...so many feelings...so many thoughts...I am going to have to come back to this...
a week later...but four months late...
I feel overwhelmed as I try in some small measure to catch up this blog to my life. It might be easier just to say, Don and I have moved. We left our home of 14 years, packed up our life's belongings, memories, and security and moved to San Jose. We left behind Hillary, Eric and Quentin, Donald, Emma and Ellie, Ellie being our newest addition! Haylie is in Provo and Andrew has left for his mission in Guatemala.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel an emptiness and a lack of belonging. I feel I lack for purpose and a sense of motivation. Where do I go from here? What is my role in life now that I am not raising kids? What out there could offer me the fulfillment that being a mother has been? What do I do with myself? I have asked myself these questions only a hundred times and mostly with tears in my eyes.
I lay in bed pretending I am in my bed in Seattle...in my mind I pretend I am in the home I have loved and I invision what I would be doing, seeing and feeling if my life had not changed so.
Don was asked to move to the Bay area...they needed his personality and ability to make these offices profitable. He began commuting in September of last year while we waited for Andrew to graduate from high school. He would leave Monday morning and fly home Friday night. He did that for 9 months.
Andrew received his mission call and date that he would leave, so we knew that we would leave right after he did. July 21st we put Andrew on a plane for Quetzaltenango Guatemala and July 24th my house and belongings were being packed in boxes.
We have found a beautiful home in San Jose. It is very comfortable and feels warm and the spirit abide here...I am adjusting to all the newness and trying my best to make this feel like home. Each week is a little better and I feel sure, over time I will embrace this change and embrace my current life.
We are here for a reason, we prayed about this move and felt heavens hand guiding us. Time will reveal the meaning behind our move. I know that, because over the past 30 years we have felt and experienced the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father as we have been prayerful in every aspect of our lives.
What I have learned ...
if you get too comfortable its time for a change...we don't grow in the comfort zone.
I can do hard things...I've taught that truth through the past 6 years in seminary, now it's time time to walk the talk!
In alma 5:15 it says "Do you look forward with an eye of faith"...meaning, do we do something that seems to make no sense to the natural man, yet we feel it to be what we should do and just do it? I did it because I knew that in the past Heavenly Father has lead us, directed us and guided us. I knew that He has a plan for us and that plan is not in the comfort zone all the time. I knew that it was time for some personal growth...and so, I did "look forward with an eye of faith".
I have stopped crying and wishing for my past life. I am setting goals for myself and looking forward to accomplishing them. I am looking forward and welcome the experiences that will be insightful as I wonder what is our purpose here. I will keep you posted as those occurances take place and begin shaping our new lives.
One more thought...In regards to our children...I think this is a powerful example that we follow our husbands as they lead in righteousness and that we support their professional life. Also, in some ways I believe I was a crutch for them. They hung out with me, I was easy and didn't take much effort. Now they have to engage themselves in their world, make friends and depend on each other. I think that is a good thing.
Posted in favorite things , smile